Out of Breath (Exposed Series Book 2) Read online

  And while I knew there was a chance no one would give a shit about the nuggets of wisdom I’d collected or why I made the decisions I did in my life, that didn’t matter. I would never know anyway.

  I still had to do it for myself. For closure. Plus, I needed the distraction.

  And even though I hadn’t predicted how difficult I would find it to organize my thoughts, even though my hand was shaking as it hovered over the blank page, I was sort of excited, too. Because I knew I would never be wiser than I was then.

  And that thought made me laugh at loud.

  Which is when the whole thing stopped feeling so daunting. Cause who was I kidding? Writing down the total sum of my knowledge and worthwhile life experience wasn’t going to take weeks.

  And I certainly wasn’t going to need that much paper.

  Chapter 15: Kate

  To say I was excited when Kevin finally asked me to go to a college party with him would’ve been the biggest understatement of the century.

  Turns out, it was a lot like a high school party. Except no one was worried it was going to get busted, no one had a curfew, and no one had to check that their outfit was okay with their mom before they left the house. In fact, I’d never seen so many midriffs and butt cheeks in one place. Not even in the locker room.

  Of course, these things made it about a million times better than a high school party.

  And the people were more interesting, too. They all had “majors” and “minors” and complete freedom to do what they wanted. I met a few girls who were raising money for celiac disease and a guy who was trying to develop a new type of corn that would help feed the third world. A few drinks later I met a girl that told me she was having the best sex of her life with her fifty year old English professor. I even had the pleasure of meeting a guy who was apparently the number one frolfer in the state.

  I couldn’t have been more excited if I were visiting Willy Wonka’s factory… with a golden ticket to purge, obviously. Otherwise that would be torturous. Speaking of which, there were a surprising number of orange people there, many of whom might have been attractive if it hadn’t been for their strange tint.

  So between the presence of the Oompa Loompas and the blasting EDM, it was like another planet.

  But honestly, drinking out of that red cup in that filthy frat house surrounded by more kegs than I’d ever seen made me more excited about the prospect of going to college than anything ever had. Including the college fair in my school gymnasium.

  Which was nice. Because lately, even though I wanted to go to college, I’d started to resent the fact that I didn’t really have a choice in the matter. I was just expected to go. My parents and teachers never talked about it like it was even an option not to.

  And I know I was probably just nervous because I’d recently finished sending in my applications, but the pressure to get accepted was intense. Like what if I didn’t get in somewhere? I mean, my grades were good but shit happens. And the way people talked about it, you’d think your life just ended if you didn’t go.

  I’d heard there were kids in Canada and Europe who took “gap years” between high school and college to travel and figure out what they wanted to do with their lives. That sounded cool. But where I came from, if you didn’t know what you wanted to do, you were just supposed to pick something. Preferably something that you could either get good grades in or something that would make it easy to get a job when you graduated. Or both if you were lucky and clever.

  Of course, like most of my classmates, I had no idea what I wanted to do. And how could I? It’s not like I was born with an obvious desire to stick my hand up cow’s butts or work on Wall Street or follow in my father’s footsteps. I mean, my Dad had a fencing company. And while it was great that he owned his own business and everything, I found the idea of spending my life constructing walls between people totally depressing.

  Still, if going to college was the fast track to partying like these handsome people, I would pick something, apply myself, and never look back. After all, I might as well have a good time while I figured out what I wanted to do with my life.

  I didn’t know where Kevin wanted to go to school, but even in a room full of college kids, I was still drawn to him more than anyone. I was even hoping that night would be The Night.

  I mean, I’d been thinking about him and touching myself for weeks. So I was getting pretty anxious for the real thing. Plus, I was sure it would be amazing because all three “conditions for great sex” were in place.

  And it didn’t bother me anymore that he wasn’t that popular at school. The approval of the group didn’t mean as much since I’d realized that the group wasn’t going to be around for much longer. Everyone would have a clean slate by next fall whether they wanted one or not.

  Plus, Kevin was a man. Or at least, more of a man than anyone else I’d ever crushed on. That night, he was so attentive. He kept asking if he could refill my drink and letting his big hand linger on the small of my back. Which would cause all the heat in my body to go there instantly. And as I fed myself the drinks he poured me, I only became more enamored of him.

  And then I saw her. His ex. She was coming towards us. It was obviously her by the way she looked at him and then me and then him again. And as she strode towards us, I couldn't help but feel that her legs were unnecessarily long. And her beach blonde hair didn’t have a single split end. I was insecure down to my marrow before she even opened her mouth.

  “Kevin!” She gave him a big hug. It was too much. Even he seemed to think so because he hugged her back without even the hint of a squeeze before letting his hands fall to his side while he waited for her to let go.

  “Hey Jen.”

  “Hi.” She stuck her hand out in my direction. “I’m Jen.”

  “Kate,” I said, trying to sober up. “Nice to meet you.”

  “How do you guys know each other?” she asked, looking back and forth between us.

  I tried to figure out if her eyes were really that sparkly or if it was a makeup trick that I could rip off. If that kind of sparkle could be bought, I needed to know.

  “From school,” Kevin said.

  “Oh.” Jen looked at me again. “You’re still in high school.”

  I blushed. “Guilty.”

  “I was just about to go upstairs if you guys want to come. Marty got a new bong. It’s like two feet long.”

  “Marty would,” Kevin mumbled.

  “Do you smoke?” Jen said to me.

  “Of course,” I said too defensively.

  “Well you’ve got to see this then.”

  I turned towards Kevin.

  He shrugged. “Whatever you want to do.”

  It just seemed easier to agree. Even though I immediately felt like I’d made a horrible mistake. I mean, did I really need to see the bong so bad that it was worth having Kevin in such close proximity to his ex? Was I some kind of idiot?

  As we went upstairs, I was surprised to discover that the party was going on in parts of the house that I didn’t even know existed. Even the stairs were littered with people drinking and smoking, ashing right on the sticky wooden floor. Others were groping each other and making out in corners. It was a struggle to keep my mouth from hanging open.

  When we reached the upstairs, the vibe chilled out a little. There were still a few people milling around, but it seemed like most people were behind closed doors having what looked like tiny micro parties.

  We followed Jen’s melon ass down the hall (seriously, her jeans were like spray painted on). Finally, she knocked on what must’ve been the tenth or twelfth door we came to and then opened it. We followed her inside.

  Marty’s room, or at least what I could only assume was Marty’s room, had a bunk bed, two desks cluttered with enormous books, and a futon in it. It also featured a broken mini basketball hoop on the back of the door, an overflowing laundry basket, and a huge flat screen TV.

  Marty was sitting on the bottom bunk, loading the bigg
est bowl in the biggest smoking device I’d ever seen. Jen sat down between Marty and his roommate, Todd. Apparently, they were “co-owners” of “The Beast” which is what they’d decided to call the bong. Because it was big and blue like The Beast in X-Men.

  I said I thought it was a very good name and introduced myself as Kevin’s friend.

  Right after I took a seat beside a cluster of tangled video game controllers, Marty asked Kevin when he and Jen were getting back together. Kevin completely ignored the question. And it was obvious that his lack of enthusiasm hurt Jen’s feelings. Which made me feel kind of bad for her for a second. But then Kevin put his arm around me, and there was no room for any feelings besides elation.

  While Marty kept packing the bowl, Todd offered everyone drinks from a mini fridge at the end of the bed. I couldn't help but think that this must be how the rich and famous live. Just with more expensive drinks and tidier drinking environments. Still, I was delighted to be living the High Life and to be offered one in the same moment, and I poured the can right into the cup I already had.

  I just wanted to keep my hands full and blend in. I was worried that if I called attention to myself, everyone would realize I was an imposter. I was afraid if I embarrassed myself, someone would ask Kevin why the fuck he brought me there, and I might get kicked out.

  Of course, as soon as people started hitting the bong, I became even more convinced that was exactly what was going to happen. I didn’t know if I could inhale that amount of smoke all at once. Those people were like weed smokers as far as I was concerned. Even Jen. I mean, not only was it a beastly contraption, you had to be a beast to use it.

  By the time the three people on the bottom bunk had smoked it, the room was a thick cloud and Todd already had his head in his hands.

  Marty passed the heavy bong to Kevin and he secured it between his knees. I watched in awe as he inhaled the smoke and held it in. For a second I thought he was going to be the first person who didn’t cough until their eyes watered. But as soon as he started to exhale he put the bong down so he could turn towards the wall and eject the smoke in big scratchy gusts.

  I swallowed.

  Kevin turned to me with bloodshot eyes. “Are you sure you want to hit this?”

  I wasn’t sure, but I wasn’t going to chicken out when everyone else had risen to the challenge.

  I nodded. “Yeah. Of course.”

  Fortunately, Kevin did what he could to help me out without calling attention to the fact that we both knew I didn’t know what I was doing.

  “I’ll light it for you,” he said. “So you can just focus on taking a big fat hit.” He smiled at me, and I could tell he was amused that I was going for it.

  “Thanks,” I said. It felt like all eyes were on me, but I didn’t dare freak myself out by looking up to check. Instead, I tried to pretend it was only me and Kevin in the room.

  I put the open end of the blue shaft around my lips and waited. As soon as Kevin held the lighter over the bowl, I started inhaling slowly and watched as the chamber filled with white smoke.

  “On three, clear it,” he said. “One, two, three.” He slid the bowl out of the bong.

  I took the biggest breath I’d ever taken in my life, filling my lungs until every last waft of smoke disappeared inside me. Then I tried to hold it in for a second and looked at him.

  “Good job,” he said, but the expression on his face made me feel like he knew something I didn’t.

  I coughed for the next five minutes until my throat was hoarse. When I was done, I looked up at the other people in the room. They all looked pleasantly stoned. But that wasn’t how I felt. I felt dizzy, like the room was rocking from side to side. Like my brain was shrinking inside my skull.

  For the next twenty or maybe sixty minutes- I really had no sense of time- I managed to keep my eyes open, stay upright on the futon, and pretend to listen to what people were saying. I don’t think anyone said anything to me directly during that time, but if they did, I’m sure I didn’t answer them. Not coherently anyway.

  Then I closed my eyes for just a second, and the party was over.

  I knew I wasn’t in my bed before I even opened my eyes. The mattress under me felt saggy. And there was a large body pressed up against me, spooning me from behind. It was attached to the arm that was laying over me. Fuck.

  I opened my eyes and saw two lumps in Marty’s bed across from me. One of them was attached to a hairy leg that was sticking so far off the bed that the person’s big toe was just inches from the floor.

  I heard a groan and watched a mound of black comforter on the top bunk shift its weight before erupting into a comically loud snore. I wondered if that was what had woken me up. Or maybe it was the stench of stale beer?

  I reached towards the floor and felt around for my purse. When I found it, I hoisted it up onto the edge of the futon beside me and pulled my phone out of the side pocket as quietly as I could. That’s when I saw that it was noon, and I had fifteen missed calls from my Aunt. Double fuck.

  I rolled over to see who was next to me. It was Kevin. He was fully clothed. Like me. No doubt because I had ruined everything by getting too fucked up. But I had still gone to bed with him. Not exactly as I had hoped, but still.

  And I was relieved that it was him beside me. It would’ve been terrifying to wake up in that frat house on my own. Or something worse. I just hoped that I hadn’t embarrassed him too badly.

  I took a moment to admire him as he slept. His cheek was smushed against the futon, his lips were parted so he could breathe out of his mouth, and a mess of dark curls framed his face. He looked like an overgrown cherub.

  “Kevin,” I whispered, shaking him gently. “Kevin wake up. It’s twelve o’clock. Kevin.”

  He peeled his eyes opened and smiled at me dreamily. It warmed me from head to toe to see him so relaxed. I let him take his time waking up and relished his every groan. I wanted to remember what it was like to wake up beside him. After all, I had no way of knowing if it would ever happen again.

  And it was the first time I’d slept with a guy and still felt like a lady in the morning.

  Chapter16: Dawn

  I was about to call the police when I heard the key in the door.

  As soon as I saw that she was okay, I threw my phone on the couch, stormed back to my room, and slammed the door. I didn’t want to yell at her. I didn’t have the energy, and even if I did, my lungs wouldn’t have been able to back me up.

  So I just slumped against the door and slid down to the floor.

  A moment later, Kate knocked lightly. “Aunt Dawn?”

  I sighed and let my head fall back against the door.

  “I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to make you worry. It was an accident.”

  I took a deep breath, rose to my feet, and opened the door. The smell of stale beer wafted in my direction. With her makeup worn off from the night before, she looked young and pale. It wasn’t making it any easier for me to accept that she’d been out all night.

  “An accident?” I stepped forward and leaned against the doorframe. “What kind of accident could’ve possibly kept you from answering your phone all night.”

  She swallowed.

  “Well?”

  “I fell asleep.”

  I crossed my arms. “You fell asleep?”

  She nodded.

  “Where did you fall asleep?”

  “At a house.”

  “At a friend’s house?”

  “Sort of.”

  “Jesus, Kate. Just tell me the truth. I’ve been worrying all night that you were face-down-skirt-up in a gutter somewhere.”

  “I fell asleep at a frat house.”

  “You mean you passed out.”

  She shrugged.

  “I guess you weren’t alone then?”

  She shook her head. “I was with a friend.”

  “What friend?”

  “A guy from school.”

  I walked around her towards the kitchen an
d filled two glasses of water, passing her one before I took a sip from my own.

  “I’m so sorry.”

  I shook my head. No wonder Carol had to color her hair. I felt sick thinking about what I must have put my Mom through all those times I went MIA because I didn’t give a shit. Because I was too busy doing drugs or-

  “Were you doing drugs last night?”

  Her face gave her away.

  “What were you doing? Coke? Ecstasy?”

  “No.”

  “What then?”

  “Just pot.”

  I tried to hide the fact that I was relieved. “And you were drunk?”

  “Yeah.” She looked at the floor.

  “So basically you got too fucked up.”

  “Basically.”

  “I’m glad you’re okay.” I put my glass down and leaned against the kitchen counter.

  “I’m sorry you were worried.”

  “I thought the worst.” I ran my hand over the top of my head. “Not because I don’t trust you, but because there are a lot of bad people out there.”

  “I know.”

  “And I’ve tried to be really understanding,” I said, raising my hands in the air. “So I couldn’t think of any reason why you wouldn’t call.”

  “I know. I wasn’t trying to take advantage. I swear.”

  “That’s not good enough. Why would you get that messed up?”

  “I don’t know. I didn’t want to be lame. I wanted to impress this guy.” She pulled out a kitchen chair and sat down. “His ex was there, and she was gorgeous… and I felt-”

  “Like he would pick you if you got paralytic?”

  “It was an accident. I never intended to-”

  “But you did.” I scratched the back of my neck. “You think he would like you less if you didn’t get so messy?”

  She put her hands between her knees. “No.”

  I pulled out a chair and sat down next to her.

  “The truth is no one cares how much you drink or smoke because everyone is worried about their own good time. That’s why getting too messed up is so uncool. It’s the only thing you can do that interferes with other people’s fun.”