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  I assumed she was messaging Quinn for how rosy her cheeks were, so I took my time removing my coat and admiring the simple décor, which was mostly composed of repurposed wooden pallets and neon silhouettes of farm animals.

  “Sorry about that,” she said, slipping her phone in her bag. “Just wanted to wish Quinn good luck for poker night.”

  Her smitten smile reminded me of how I’d felt after Finn and I fooled around in his Jeep. I’d never felt more spontaneous, free, and optimistic in my life. It was basically the opposite of how I felt that morning when I got my period. Which was stupid. Any other outcome would’ve been disastrous. For him, anyway.

  “So what’s up?”

  “My folic acid,” I joked, wondering if the prenatal vitamins I’d been taking were doing any good.

  Her expression blanked.

  “I narrowed down the donors,” I said, getting to the point. “There’s an official top three.”

  Her brows strained towards me. “For real?”

  I nodded. “I was hoping you might take a look at their profiles, actually, even though it’s not exactly polite dinner chat.”

  “Of course,” she said, straightening up. “Did you bring them?”

  I grabbed the folder from my purse, and when I righted myself, a waitress was waiting to take our order.

  Maddy ordered the house cider and a pulled pork sandwich. I ordered the same sandwich but asked for the non-alcoholic cider.

  “You’re going to make me drink alone?” she asked, feigning a pout after the waitress left.

  “Sorry,” I said, handing over the profiles. “I’m hoping to be inseminated before the end of the month, and I want to give myself every advantage.”

  “Isn’t relaxing part of the preparation process?”

  “I suppose. The counselor did tell me to avoid stress.”

  Maddy cocked her head. “What counselor?”

  “I was assigned one through the clinic. It’s part of the process. Just because someone’s financially fit enough to buy a few vials of frozen sperm doesn’t automatically mean they’ll agree to knock you up.”

  Maddy’s brow furrowed. “Seems reasonable. What kind of stuff did she ask you?”

  “Nothing too strange. She mostly wanted to make sure I understood the process, had the support of my family, and knew what my employer’s maternity leave policy was. It was all pretty standard. Frankly, the best part was that she didn’t ask me anything I hadn’t already thought about.”

  Her eyes crinkled at the edges. “Well that’s good.”

  I lifted my chin towards the profiles, eager to get her opinion on the three remaining candidates. It seemed important that my little sister “meet” The Guy before he became my baby’s father.

  “Daniel’s no slouch,” she said, her brown eyes skipping across the page.

  I’d spent so much time with the profiles I’d practically memorized them. Daniel was 5’11 with brown eyes. Top of his class at Dartmouth. No allergies. Favorite food was pizza, and he enjoyed playing blues guitar in his spare time. No history of heart disease.

  “Hard to fault this guy,” Maddy said as she read along. “I’m sort of intimidated by how perfect he sounds.”

  “None of them are perfect.” Perfect would be if one of them was madly in love with me.

  Maddy moved on to the next profile. “This feels like one of those dating shows where you have to pick a winner without ever seeing the guys…but with way higher stakes.”

  “Funny you mention that because I requested their pictures yesterday.”

  Her eyes flicked up to mine.

  “It costs extra, and you only get a photo of them when they were a kid, but I thought it might help me whittle it down.”

  “You only get a baby picture?”

  I shrugged. “Seemed better than nothing.”

  “I suppose.”

  “Keep going,” I said, urging her on. “I think Travis is next.”

  “He is indeed.”

  “I like that he runs marathons,” I explained as her eyes fell down the page. “Implies a level of discipline and resilience, don’t you think?”

  “I’m more impressed that he speaks Chinese.” She leaned back in her chair but kept reading. “The birdwatching thing is a bit geeky, but it beats someone who doesn’t like animals. That would be a dealbreaker for me.”

  Otis’s furry face popped into my mind. “Me too.”

  “Have you considered that?” she asked, lifting her gaze. “Getting a pet instead?”

  “I have, and the counselor suggested that, too. Apparently, over half the people who come in for a consult end up getting a dog and living happily ever after.”

  “Seems like a logical stepping stone.”

  “If all you want is unconditional love, I think it’s a perfect solution. But I want to be a mom so bad, Maddy. Believe me, if I could shake the feeling, I would, but I can’t. It’s like a pebble in my shoe that won’t go away.”

  Her eyes searched mine like she wanted to understand.

  “Sorry if I sound like a crazy person,” I said. “Baby fever is hard to explain.”

  “You don’t sound crazy,” she said. “I just pictured a newborn with Quinn’s thick head of black hair and freaked myself out.”

  I smiled at the thought. “You could call him Baby Elvis.”

  Her expression flatlined.

  “Look at the last guy,” I said, pointing towards the profiles. “I’m curious who you think makes the best first impression.”

  She dropped her eyes and read aloud. “John from Boston. Web designer. Enjoys hiking and scuba diving. Played lacrosse in college. Knows three different computer languages…whatever the heck that means.”

  “Who would you go with?” I asked. “If you had to pick right now?”

  She shook her head. “I can’t make this decision for you.”

  “Please, Maddy. I need a second opinion. Give me something.”

  “Travis is my least favorite,” she said finally. “He seems too intense. Running a marathon or two so you can say you’ve done it is one thing, but doing it regularly is mental.”

  “I don’t want a kid with no competitive spirit.”

  “There are more important things,” she said. “Besides, trophies don’t mean what they used to. Kids these days get medals just for participating.”

  I rolled my eyes.

  “What about that guy you were with last time I called you? Have you asked him what he thinks?”

  “He’s the one who helped me whittle it down. I’d still be buried in donor profiles if it weren’t for him.”

  “And he thinks you should go through with it?”

  “Of course,” I said, my brows knitting. “Why wouldn’t he?”

  “I don’t know. With all the time you’ve been spending together, I just thought…”

  “What?”

  “That maybe he wanted the job.”

  “He’s just a friend.”

  “A friend you’ve been sleeping with recreationally.”

  “I never said I was sleeping with him.”

  “I’m your sister, Maeve. I can tell when you’re getting laid.”

  I swallowed. Could other people tell? “He’s a happy bachelor,” I insisted. “We’re just having fun until my life changes forever.”

  “Are you going to stop seeing him then? Once you get pregnant and moody and entitled?”

  I scowled at her. “So glad you’re looking forward to this adventure as much as I am.”

  “I can’t believe the counselor didn’t think to ask how your fuck buddy feels about you carrying someone else’s baby.”

  “Well she didn’t,” I said, scolding her with my eyes. “But if she had, I would’ve told her Finn’s been supportive from the start and knows how much I want this.”

  “And what does he want?”

  I thought of how content Finn looked when he was drawing and playing music
and…buried inside me. “I assume he wants to keep doing what he’s doing.”

  “Right.”

  I sensed a hint of judgment in her voice that irked me. “This has nothing to do with him,” I assured her. “Plus, I already made the mistake of putting my dreams on hold for a man who didn’t want the same things as me, remember? I’m not going to do it again.”

  "Did you invite him to James’s next week?” she asked. “I’d love to meet the guy who saved me from having to review your top twenty baby daddies.”

  “I invited him, but I don’t know if he can come yet. In the meantime, will you think about whether you’d rather be an aunt to Daniel Jr. or John Jr.?”

  “Sure,” she said, forcing a shallow smile. “Though I have to be honest. I’m finding this whole thing a bit nerve wracking.”

  T H I R T Y S I X

  - Finn -

  I blinked, hoping the man in my periphery was a mirage. But he kept coming towards me, smiling sheepishly like a dog that’s just eaten your favorite slippers.

  “Hey guys,” he said, stretching his arms wide.

  I glanced at Brian whose stunned expression confirmed my fears. Then I looked back at my brother. “Max.” I probably should’ve gotten off my stool, but all I could manage in my surprised state was an unenthusiastic swivel in his direction. “What are you doing here?”

  He put his arms around me, and I raised my hands to pat his back, stopping short of anything that could be construed as a welcoming embrace.

  “I wanted to see my big bro,” he said. “It’s been too long.”

  I could tell by Brian’s alert stance that he hadn’t helped plan this unexpected reunion. As much as he liked to play devil’s advocate when I spoke ill of my brother, he’d never invite a guy with Max’s track record into his bar on purpose. Far as he was concerned, blood was thick, but business was thicker.

  I gave Max a once-over when he stepped back and wondered if he dressed that way because his contract demanded it or if he actually liked wearing studded leather jackets and tight, ripped jeans.

  “Good to see you, Brian,” Max said cheerfully.

  Was he really aloof enough to think good humor could thaw the ice between us? “What are you doing here?” I asked again, glancing past him to make sure his fancy dress hadn’t attracted too much attention. After all, while I suspected he’d be happy to sign autographs all night, I wanted nothing to do with such nonsense.

  “What choice did I have?” he asked. “You wouldn’t take my calls.”

  Brian held his ground, neither of us offering Max a drink. It wasn’t like us to be so rude, but when it came to my brother, one drink could turn into twelve pretty quick. Plus, I had to assume he’d had his fill on the plane.

  Or maybe he was on something else. There was a sharpness in his eyes that made me suspicious. Then again, everything about him made me suspicious from the product in his dramatically parted coif to the heavy chain on his wallet.

  “What do you want?” I asked. “Besides something to drink.” It was a nasty thing to say, but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want him here. I was supposed to play a set in fifteen minutes, and I was secretly hoping Maeve might drop in after she went to dinner with her sister.

  “Actually, I’d love a Sprite,” he said. “That plane air is so dehydrating.”

  I stared at him.

  “A Sprite?” Brian asked, like he couldn’t believe his ears either.

  “If you’ve got one handy,” Max said.

  “You want ice?” Brian asked, as if Sprite was the magic word that turned him into the hostess with the mostess.

  “Sure,” Max said, sliding onto the barstool next to me. “That’d be great.”

  My eyes scoured his body for a concealed bottle, my mind finding it impossible to believe he wasn’t holding back some vital information. That’s when I noticed he had a small duffel bag at his feet. “Are you here on your own?”

  “I’ve been on my own since September,” he said, the fake smile falling from his face. “Janie left me and took the girls.”

  Shit.

  “I haven’t told Mom and Dad,” he said. “So I’d appreciate if you wouldn’t either.”

  “Where did they go?” I asked, suddenly seeing the frown lines in his face.

  “Her mom’s place in Florida.”

  “I’m sorry, man. I had no idea.”

  “You would if you’d pick up your fucking phone.”

  “If you think I feel guilty for not taking your calls, your memory is worse than I thought.”

  “Look,” he said, turning towards me and leaning an elbow on the bar. “I didn’t come here to pick a fight with you.”

  “Well, I hope you didn’t come for my pity, because there’s no doubt in my mind you drove Janie from your life. You’re lucky she stayed as long as she did.”

  “I could say the same about you,” he said, nodding at Brian when he set down a bottle of Sprite and a highball glass full of ice.

  It wasn’t exactly an apology, but I was grateful for the show of self-awareness, as flippant as it was.

  “I know it’s probably too little too late,” he said. “But I’ve been working really hard these last few months.”

  “I’m not sure fibbing all over national television qualifies as a hard day’s work.”

  “I thought you’d find it funny.”

  Disbelief narrowed my gaze. “You know better than to think I want anything to do with your jokes.”

  He sighed. Like I was the fucking wearisome one.

  He poured his Sprite in the glass until the fizz rose to the top. “She gave me an ultimatum.”

  “I’m surprised there’s a rehab clinic left in this country that would take you in.”

  “I suppose I deserve that,” he said, staring at the shrinking bubbles before glancing my way.

  I clenched my jaw, resenting the anger I felt and the fact that I couldn’t hide it better.

  “She said if I got sober and cleaned up my act, she’d come home.”

  I felt a sharp pain in my chest at the sadness in his voice.

  “I haven’t seen my girls in six months.” He pressed his thumb and forefinger over his eyes.

  I looked down the bar at Brian, who raised his eyebrows in our direction, but all I could do was shrug. The repentant man beside me might as well have been a stranger. “Don’t you have a tour coming up?”

  He nodded.

  “Are you sure it’s a good time to go on tour? Touring is so…” Intense. Full of temptations. Exhausting.

  “It’s part of the deal,” he said. “I have to prove I can stay sober on tour. She thinks it’s the best way to test if I’ve actually changed.”

  Shit. Left to his own devices, he might stand a chance. But doing a whole tour sober? I couldn’t imagine him pulling it off.

  “Besides,” he said. “We need the money. Fucking Spotify and shit. Touring isn’t exactly optional for working musicians these days.”

  It annoyed me that he spoke as if I was no longer a working musician, but I suppose it was my fault he didn’t know anything about me anymore.

  “Mom told me you got a new place,” he said, raising his brows.

  “I did, yeah. Five years ago.”

  “Cool,” he said. “Got a couch?”

  T H I R T Y S E V E N

  - Maeve -

  I checked the volume on my phone again to make sure I’d hear if someone called, and by someone, I mean Finn. I tried to call him after Maddy and I had dinner—as promised—and I was a little worried that he hadn’t at least texted back.

  Then again, it was a Friday night. He could’ve been playing at the bar or helping Brian behind it. Or maybe an enchanting woman who hadn’t forced him to study sperm donor profiles had appeared in my absence, and he’d forgotten all about me.

  Okay, so I wasn’t that worried about the latter, but the fact that thinking of him with another woman made me jealous was
a problem. He was no more mine than Otis was, and I wasn’t jealous when Otis sniffed another dog at the park because I understood that we wanted different things. Just like Finn and I did.

  So maybe a night off was for the best.

  Still, I couldn’t help but wonder what he was up to as I perused Amazon for nursery decorating ideas. Part of me wanted to go with a safari theme because I had a weakness for giraffes, but I also thought blue was soothing, so my ever-growing wish list was slowly being taken over by dolphins.

  Unfortunately, the shopping was doing little to distract me from my anxiety, which was higher than ever after my conversation with Maddy. The counselor warned me against getting overwhelmed, but my mind seemed determined to solve all the problems I didn’t even have yet.

  But paint colors didn’t matter now. Baby names didn’t matter now. Where I’d get the kid baptized was irrelevant. All I really had to do was pick between Donor Daniel and Donor Dartmouth.

  I slouched against the couch cushions and rechecked my email to see if I’d received the donor photos I requested, but it was in vain. I did have an email from my mom, though, which included a link to a swaddling sack she bought. It looked more useful than the unsightly teething jewelry she ordered last week, but I wished she’d hold off on hitting the buy button until I had a confirmed pregnancy.

  It’s not like I genuinely believed she could jinx my chances, but I felt like I was putting myself under enough pressure without her reminding me how keen she was to be a “hot grandma.” So much for thinking vanity was something I might eventually outgrow. Still, I appreciated the show of support. There was no way I could go through with this if she didn’t have my back.

  I remember how stressed my friend Dana was about having her first little girl without her mom around. Granted, she has a great relationship with her mother-in-law, but she mentioned to me more than once that she wished her own mom had been alive to talk nipple chafing and adult diapers.

  Yet as candid as she’d been with me about the unexpected mess of it all, I could tell by the glow in her voice when she talked about her daughters that she’d do it all again in a heartbeat. And I knew it would be the same for me. And my mom would help me through the stuff I didn’t see coming. And so would Dana and Maddy and James and… I knew better than to put Finn on that list.